Widowhood – Light Shrouded in Darkness
Sie Yong teaches data analytics at Temasek Polytechnic. He worships at RiverLife Church and is an avid reader, runner and rider. He has three adult children, two of whom are married. He has two grandsons. He is also a facilitator for inductive Bible studies.
Almost 3 years ago in September 2021, I bade farewell to my beloved wife of 32 years. Cheryl battled cancer for a year. Despite the agony and the pain of chemotherapy, her spirits remained upbeat, and during that brief period, her faith shone brightly. Her story was even carried by media outlet Salt & Light and subsequently a video tribute was made in memory of her in early 2022.
Even though there was already anticipatory grief during the period of her illness, I found myself struggling for months after her passing. It’s now almost 3 years, and as I look back, I see my journey involving three parts or phases.
Part 1 – Releasing my grief
The first thing I encountered in the face of deep personal loss was the grief and pain that kept surfacing. I had to learn that these difficult emotions were now to be a part of my life and in fact needful if I were to be able to move forward. After all, Cheryl had shaped me to be the person I am now; there is no undoing. So I learnt not to fight and try to block out all the emotions that came along with the loss. Facing this squarely and courageously now frees and propels me forward in my life.
Probably because of how I am now alone, I often notice that I have an uncontrollable desire to share my inner thoughts and struggles because I long to connect. This desire is heightened whenever strong emotions surface. But I also realise that only the widowed can relate to my deepest fears, doubts and thoughts. So, looking for others to empathise with me in my grief journey has become a futile exercise. Hence, I must turn to God.
“To grant those who mourn in Zion, giving them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” – Isaiah 61:3 (NASB 1995)
Part 2 – Refreshing my calling
Months later, I went on a personal silent retreat. There, I slowly savoured the Word of God which felt like refreshing living water. I came out of it feeling a sense of newness as my burdens were lifted. It felt like God had turned my mourning into dancing. I found the spring in my steps again as I went out for a short run at the retreat venue and felt the lightness in my strides. He washed over me with His abiding goodness and reminded me that His grace would always be my sustenance. A refreshed outlook in my life began to take shape.
As a result of that refreshing encounter with God at the retreat, I began to seek His calling afresh in my life. For thirty over years, my life revolved around my wife and the children. As my life changed course now, I wanted the Lord to reveal to me afresh where my focus would be. The verse that he gave me is shown below:
“For Ezra had set his heart to study the law of the LORD and to practice it, and to teach His statutes and ordinances in Israel.” – Ezra 7:10 (NASB 1995)
And more recently, the Lord reconfirmed this calling again. As I stepped forward to exercise my gift of teaching which He graciously imparted to me, He opened doors and created opportunities to engage in the ministry of the Word once again. This greatly refreshed and encouraged me.
Part 3 – Relinquishing my control
God was not done yet! I think we tend to take over the reins once we have a sense of what we are to do. Instead of a prayerful dependence, I began to take control of what I needed to do, with little or no regard for what God intended. His message to me was right, but my interpretation was too self-centered. Relinquishing control to the Lord was both difficult and painful, but I know that with my limited and finite wisdom, I could have messed up some things without realising it.
In my eagerness to get on with life and address the pain points of my widowhood, I had somehow neglected the truth that I am a dependent being and will flourish when I submit to God’s loving ways. Instead of doing so, making Christ central in my life, I was looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. Thankfully, God was patient, and He nudged and steered me back to Him again. Right now, I am revisiting my spiritual disciplines of grace, personal discipleship, and my communion with God.
Even though the changes are unsettling and do not guarantee a certain outcome, I am reminded of the following verse:
“ You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever”. – Psalm 16:11 (NASB 1995)
I need to rest in Him, for He loves and cares for me more than I know how to care for myself!
As I look back over the last 3 years, getting past the immediate grief period was surprisingly easy but the undercurrents of my loss weren’t felt until I decided to move forward to live a normal life. Only then did I realise how much my 32 years of marriage had shaped my thinking and doing. I often caught myself feeling disoriented living as a single person again. Hence, at any point in time, I could vacillate between the three parts that I shared because I have to keep releasing my pain, refreshing my calling and relinquishing control to the Lord.
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