When My Wholeness Shattered
Jeremy Chan together with his wife, Janet, enjoy spending time with their two god-grandchildren, travelling and sharing his lived experience as a facilitator in their church mental health support group.
It is easy to take wholeness and wellness for granted until one is broken into countless pieces.
Having a loving wife, a decent career, serving in ministry, and generally healthy, I thought it was about all as one could ask for as a Christian. God had provided, protected, … but all that was shattered towards the end of 2013.
My mother fell ill suddenly with a rare blood cancer in the bone marrow. I became the caregiver to her and it was an intense experience, to say the least. My emotional pain worsened when her condition took a turn for the worse the following year. It was many months before the doctors could actually diagnose that she was suffering from Stage 4 bone marrow cancer with no cure. There was little that could be done for her and palliative care was the only option. Five days later, she passed away on Good Friday of 2014.
After her passing, I was terribly shattered with guilt, shame and condemnation for not having spent more time with her, whilst busy with career and church ministry activities. I was also suddenly confronted with challenges in my marriage and my relationships at church. Feeling very hurt and wrought with pain inside, I just continued about my work and church ministry in a very "robotic” way. My condition began to spiral downward for the next four months. Strangely, I was breaking down but did not even realise it. It started with a slowing down of thoughts and movements, followed by crashing emotions - continuous bouts of weeping, sleepless nights, and constant depressive thoughts. Due to these frequent emotional breakdowns, it was suggested that I seek help. I was eventually diagnosed to have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.
For months and years down the line, anniversary dates, especially Good Friday and any festive dates became major triggers for me. I could not attend any Good Friday service for many, many years. I felt very broken, and angry with God, even though I never rejected Him. I just could not fathom the circumstances. It drove me to despair, and suicidal thoughts were constantly bombarding me.
Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord Is Close to the Brokenhearted”, was amongst many verses I clung on to, but … I was not at all comforted. Confused and hurt, I got angry with God and questioned, “Why is this happening? Why isn’t healing happening?” And I was also angry with God for seemingly not hearing my prayers.
Even though I sometimes felt an inkling that this pain and horrid experience would one day serve others, the struggle with my mental health overshadowed everything for it often felt so unbearable. The feeling of being broken was beyond words and measure.
Initially, my wife, Janet did not understand what was going on and urged me “to snap out of it.” But after a session with my psychologist, she began to have a better understanding and did her part to support and encourage me. For one, she began to bake my favourite cookies and cakes and cook my favourite dishes, to help give me sustenance in my recovery. The simple pleasures of ‘comfort food’ would momentarily distract me from the emotional pain and anguish. When I could no longer read the Bible, she prayed and helped me read during our devotion. She made other adjustments such as stepping down from the church worship ministry to help focus on my recovery (and keep an eye on me, for I had become suicidal).
In 2016, I enrolled in a three-month Bible school program where we were daily immersed in God’s Word and in a community. This led to a fresh encounter with God where I was able to come to a place of utter surrender to God, as these words from the Bible held my focus:
"God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him.” (Psalm 18v20-24)
At this time, two fundamental truths shifted from my head to my heart:
The unconditional love of God and all His incredible attributes.
The identity I have as God’s beloved child
During a ministry time while I was just struggling to come to terms with my mental illness, I was asked if I wanted Jesus to bring me to the Father (because I deeply struggled to experience the Father’s love). I said yes, and almost immediately, I saw myself enter his huge throne room and there was almighty God sitting on His chair, and Jesus beside him. As overwhelmed as I was, suddenly, Father God came off his chair and came to hug me!
Another vision came to me when I was at the Bible school - in the midst of all the emotional struggles, I saw Jesus carry me as if I was that lost sheep, amidst mountains of lush greenery. It cannot get any more peaceful and certain than this: Jesus is always with us.
The love of God and all His incredible attributes - His faithfulness, sovereignty, grace and mercy - became real to me as I allowed them to enter my being. Likewise, reading the Word regularly and the vision I experienced assured me that I am forever His beloved child and there is nothing I can or need to do to remain wholly in the love of our Heavenly Father.
1 Peter 5v10 says:
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
Being this loved, I realised how important it is to value myself and take responsibility for my well-being.
Eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly can help keep our bodies and minds in good shape. I saw a familiar Scripture text with fresh eyes and realised that self-care is a core value in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20:
"Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God. You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.”
In April of 2018, I was able to wean off my medication and stop all therapy. In the following year, I began to use my lived experience to help others by journeying with them in their own mental health conditions.
Looking back, some of the basic handles to stay whole and well are (but not limited to these):
forgiveness, to others and just as important, to oneself (Ephesians 4:32)
being grateful, giving thanks daily (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
being contented (Philippians 4:11-13)
self-care is just as important, topping up our emotional tank (Jeremiah 17:7-8)
anchoring on our identity as approved sons and daughters of the most High King so that we no longer need to strive (2 Corinthians 16:18)
If you or your loved ones, or people you know are mentally distressed, even possibly showing symptoms of mental illness, seek help immediately, as I did. There is no shame in seeking help and knowing that it is ok not to be ok. For healing and wholeness are possible, and each person’s journey is unique.
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