My First Relationship

Experiencing a couple of failed relationships, including a marriage which I had thought would last a lifetime, made me think that perhaps something was wrong with me. 

I started going for therapy to work through the issues of my failed relationships. Processing those relationships often led me to think about the way I related with my parents. That first relationship in my life had formed the foundation for the narratives I have since been operating on, which was further cemented by the relationships that followed, in a vicious cycle. 

I grew up believing that I was not good enough, that my life was sub-par, and that I did not deserve good things. This narrative, I now realised, has caused me a lot of pain.

That is, until God showed me His Father’s heart for me. 

I have since realised that my first relationship was not the one I had with my parents. Nor was it the puppy love I experienced at 10, nor the first official ‘relationship’ I had at 17. 

My first relationship was, in fact, with my Abba Father.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

 before you were born I set you apart…”

Jeremiah 1:5

The word “knew” (יָדַע, yada in Hebrew) in that verse is not simply intellectual awareness, or information, or head knowledge. It is personal and relational. It is intimate knowledge. It is a covenantal election. God already had us in His mind even before He formed us. He specially chose us for His divine plan even before we were born. 

Though I had been a Christian for several decades and had read through the Bible several times by that point, it struck me that many of these truths had remained only in my head. I had never truly embraced these truths for myself—blocked by the deep-seated narratives that I had been telling myself throughout my life. I could not fully internalise that these truths uttered by God were for me, because I believed that I was not good enough. I tried so hard to believe and live God’s truths out, but doing this by my willpower alone had not been enough.

Being loved is so hard for most of us because of the narratives we subconsciously live by, such that a verse like that can often remain only in our head…

“We love because He first loved us.” 

1 John 4:19

As I sat with my “unloveableness” and my “undeservingness”, this truth began to lap at my hardened soul like waves on the shore, slowly chipping away the other narratives.

He loves me! God, the perfect One, loves me! 

The truth finally sank deep into my heart (and gut!) as He brought me deep into His love. 

My First Love loved me first, even before I knew Him. My First Love actively pursues me. Relentlessly. No matter how far I have strayed away. No matter how faithless or unfaithful I have been. My First Love loves me unconditionally with a radical love! My mind cannot fathom it; but learning to let myself be embraced this way brought a deep healing, and redeemed me. 

Now I know (yada) that I am Someone’s beloved, good enough just as He made me. I am fully known and understood. I am specially crafted and my life is chosen for my First Love’s purpose. My First Love desires good gifts for me.  

Rachael meeting God at a special spot in Lower Pierce Reservior

Another truth that sets me free to embrace my first relationship came from Psalm 23. Again, I have read these verses countless times, quoted them to encourage others, and held them close for comfort. It is a psalm God has used to assure me of His presence—and one I have wrestled with when my circumstances did not seem to align with its promises.

But God is relentless in revealing His love.

I remember lying in bed, gripped by fear about the future. That was when He reminded me: “I am your Shepherd.” Just the year before, before boarding a flight to Phuket—blessed with a fully-paid-for pool villa and extra cash for expenses—I had heard that same whisper in my spirit: “I am your Shepherd. You are not in lack.” Tears welled up. God wanted me to know: His Word is not theory. It is Truth—alive and real.

This time, as I read Psalm 23 again, I paid close attention to the verbs. Each one pulsed with life: He makes. He leads. He restores. He guides. He is with me. He prepares. He anoints. His goodness and love will follow me. What passionate, pursuing love! God is not distant or disengaged. He does not wait for us to come to Him. He comes to us. He seeks us. He walks beside us. He leads us—even in the valley.

Our parents set the first context for our lives, and in their imperfections, we may be handed narratives or values that limit or even hurt us. But they are not our first relationship. God is. In growing a relationship of trust in God, we can be freed from the hurts and wounds, heal and grow more whole.

We can fill up with love as we are embraced in our belovedness, and overflow with love to give.

Let us receive, prioritise, and nourish our first relationship.

Rachael Chai, having been redeemed by the greatest Love, is involved in different rescue work - people, animals, food, items, etc. She started the homestay groundup initiative BeyondHome. Rachael enjoys nature tremendously and matcha!