Everyone Changes but not Everyone Grows

"Maturity is when you stop complaining and making excuses and start making changes." — Roy T. Bennett

Maturity and the Underlying Truth

I have recently watched several interviews of young people struggling with self-made financial disasters. It was hard to watch; I see myself in all their stories. What is hardest to hear is all the justifications behind all the bad purchases they could not afford. Most of them did not know how bad their actual financial situation was!? Some even considered the reality of their situation, shrugged, and were not ready to change their spending habits.

After watching these interviews, I was deeply troubled because there are areas where I spend more than I should and do what I know I should not. Whenever I have been in debt, I would also cover all my purchases with a gauze of need, even when I could not afford them. Let us call these justifications what they are: excuses.

But there is a more profound underlying truth about why we might overspend: we lack maturity.

What actually is "Maturity"?

The word maturity is synonymous with adulting. Here are some traits of maturity:

• Being able to regulate your emotions

• Can delay gratification

• Willing to handle and confront difficult situations

• Able do what is morally right

• Say yes to new, challenging responsibilities and leadership

• Being resilient in attitude

• Having wisdom in decision-making 

• Being able to clearly think under pressure 

The more you are able to do any of these, the more mature you are.

I would summarise it all as "self-ownership".

Looking at that list, I am feeling slightly...insecure.

Opposing that, 

• the more your emotions derail you

• the more you follow your impulses mindlessly

• the more you collapse under difficulty

• the more you choose immoral ways 

• the more you shun responsibility and leadership

• the more you criticise everything

• the more you feel powerless to change your circumstances

• the more you consistently make poor choices 

• and struggle to make wise decisions—

then, according to this, the more immature you are.

Oof.

Change versus Growth 

We can all agree there is no award for becoming more mature. No one will celebrate you for this. Yet, there is a natural reward for choosing mature ways over immature ones. You will reap what you sow.

"Maturity is the ability to think, speak and act your feelings within the bounds of dignity.  The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations." — Samuel Ullman

It is almost impossible to have a deep conversation with an immature adult. I know it as I have had a few over the years with some people from my past. I always came away from those convos with slight sadness. These friends were still caught up with issues from our maturing years: putting off personality quirks and bad habits, shedding their victim mentality and moving past a crass attitude.

They have changed (as the years will naturally do), but they did not grow into more real and mature adults.

Let us be real: change is inevitable. Growth, however, is hard and humbling work.

Drawn by Brandon Myles

What I have discovered about growth and maturity is this:

a) Owning Hard Truths starts to Set Us Free

The first and most crucial step for me was to admit the hard truths of immaturity that were staring me in the face. We know them, but we do not want to look at them. Just like checking your monthly finances sends a signal, so we also get signals from other areas of our life.

One area for me was in communicating. I had a very self-serving position whenever I talked with someone; it was about me, me, me - and every conversation was a built-up discharge of "what I needed to say". I also had a passive-aggressive way of callous joking, basically "to say how I really feel", but in a way that softened the blow. How often have I come away from a conversation and it did not feel right. I became a better communicator by admitting and working on the areas that these hard truths revealed.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” — Gloria Steinem

Hard truth: I am not the best husband to Shiao-Yin.

Hard truth: I am not the best father to Eden.

In my mind, a great husband and father is always thinking about his family, always seeking out activities for them to do, always mentoring and being an excellent example for them to follow. A great father would choose to be responsible over instant gratification. But to be entirely honest, I often selected distraction over doing any of those things. I prefer working and figuring out my next moves over family activities anytime. That is a very hard truth. I know this about myself, and I am actively working against my immature impulses to do the opposite of them. It takes me real effort, time, and energy to grow. But wow, I am often met with tangible rewards for my choices and, therefore, more tendency to keep doing them.

b) Surround Yourself with Truth-Bearers

The second step is to listen to honest feedback from good friends, family members, and mentors who genuinely love you enough to tell you the hard truths you need to hear. It is going to hurt, so prepare yourself. I am lucky to have these people "who feel all too comfortable" to deliver the brutal truths I need so much.

I absorbed these hard truths because I knew they loved me and wanted my best.

A mentor in a class told me, "I feel you need to shut up for a while," because I would fill the room with words that went nowhere and often distract everyone by trying to be funny.

After I griped with my mom about family members and other matters, she told me, "You are so self-righteous about everything; you know that, right?"

Long ago, I was flirting with my friend's female cousin, and he asked if I would pursue her, to which I had no intention. He then confronted me sternly, saying, "That is manipulative. You need to stop leading people on if you have no intention to commit."

When I made up “reasons” for not delivering a project on time to a client, the COO professionally and blankly told me, "These are all excuses. I do not accept them."

When I explained to a mentor why I would not commit to a girl I was dating, he told me straight, "She is not the problem. You are the problem. I do not think you are marriage material at this point."

Later, while pursuing Shiao-Yin and sitting with a mentor couple, the wife noticed I would deflect uncomfortable questions and issues with humour and called me out on the issue. 

Each of these hurt, but they were true and I needed each one.

“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.” — Flannery O’Connor

I remember all of them because they each felt like a dagger in my chest (or ego?). That feeling does not go away unaddressed; it just lingers there. If I humbly accepted those hard truths and decided to work on them, the less discomfort I would feel and the more I would be transformed (aka mature). Only by doing so, I stopped many of these toxic behaviours. Those hard words in those moments have made me mature into who I am today.

I have had to overcome a lot of immature issues over the years: addictions, insecurities, self-righteousness and negativity (to name a few). It is a long, winding road but I have found that many of these issues come from the same source: a lack of self-worth. Let me explain...

The Road Back to True Self

If you have an inaccurate (untruthful) view of yourself, then only immature patterns will follow. Often even as we grow older, we can still remain stuck in the younger versions of ourselves, because growth needs to be intentional.

These immature patterns from our youth cling to us (maybe they worked for us then), but they will stop to work as we grow older. Yet I often persisted in these patterns because I placed "my personality" or identity in them to some degree. So while the world moved on, I remained stuck because I had not learnt or developed other tools.

We have to face up to our age and so grow up.

Sure, there are benefits of a youthful outlook. Equally, I am not advocating becoming old and way too serious! I am talking about admitting the truth to set oneself free...for something better in the present and for the future.

Interesting in a poem called “Youth”, the writer suggests that we may have our ideas of youthfulness misplaced by thinking only of physical age:

“Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of sixty more than a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.” — Samuel Ullman, “Youth” poem

I often think of that verse in the Bible that says, "When I was a child, I reasoned like a child, but when I grew older, I put away childish things". That is liberating. I put away the immature childhood ways because they are not only behind me; they are beneath me. 

Those immature ways are not true about me…anymore. I do not need to be held back by them any longer. Now, I can move on to what is better for me: more mature ways that fit who I actually am deep inside my soul.

Accepting and addressing your "hard truths" with love for yourself, the love of God, and the love of others will more than change you; it will grow you. Not many people do it, and sadly…most do not.

It is an uncomfortable and challenging process, but I know what fruit maturing in the right way has been reaped in my life, and I have no regrets about going through the hard process.

Maturity versus Discipline

What comes first—discipline or maturity? Does forcing myself into the right action build maturity over time? Or does maturity come first—a deep internal reckoning with truth—and then discipline naturally follows as the fruit of that decision? I have tried it both ways.

Discipline is the idea that "doing what you know you should" will lead you to grow. Maturity is something more profound. It's the self-ownership programme running silently beneath your life's surface. So I would argue that maturity comes first. I have found that discipline is the outward expression of my inner awakenings. By accepting the hard truths (with love—not shame) and then going to work on them, you begin to grow roots that eventually bear new fruit. External discipline (like military training or crisis routines) can sometimes spark inner change, but lasting discipline without ownership is just compliance.

Whatever way maturity begins for you—be it through truth, pain, or practice—I pray you do not run from it. Run towards it.

Because, in my experience, the more I choose mature ways, the more free I am to live a life that is real, rooted, and ready for the good things ahead.

“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” — Brené Brown

Brandon Myles is a film maker, husband and father