A Trip with God — as He wills

My name is Ruyi — 如(Ru) 意(Yi) in mandarin.

Ru means ‘as’ or ‘like’ — she is unstructured, goes with the flow, and is creative. The downside is that she is clumsy, distracted, and scatter-brained.

Yi means ‘will’ — she is structured, creates systems, and integrates concepts, making connections between things. Her corresponding downside is being anxious, overwhelmed, and rigid.

Ru and Yi constantly clash: Yi creates order and writes presentation scripts, but Ru does not follow the plan; Yi researches and analyses, but Ru just chooses ‘by colour’; Ru does and says things impulsively, leading Yi to shut down.

Put together, Ruyi means ‘as you will’ — a name given by my grandma, who had hoped to have a grandson. So, it signifies her reluctant resignation that God had chosen otherwise. 

***

I just returned from a long, 52-day trip, carrying the question: how may God show up during this time away? And how will Ru and Yi manage? The idea of taking such a long break from work and responsibilities seemed to be the perfect time for Ru to take point…

Yi: So, you're going to be in charge for once.

Ru: Ooo! Nice…

Yi: Yeah, I think God wants you to grow on this trip.

Ru proceeds to royally pack in an impractical manner, letting herself be vain, bringing cute clothes, accessories, and a bunch of make-up. If Yi were in charge, it would just be tees and jeans.

***

The trip began with a women’s retreat. At one point, the facilitator gave us the word ‘anchor’ and asked all of us to visualise what anchors our lives.

I expected to see Jesus, but instead, I saw myself reaching out, inviting me to respond and go on an adventure together. Doubts arose as I wondered if it was truly possible to be whole; and whether such an adventure would be worth it? As apprehension filled me, I felt a voice telling me that it would be worth it.

The adventure took a really unpleasant turn during the last day of the retreat as I realised I had made a mistake for the next accommodation booking: the room had no private bathroom. 

This frustrating exchange went on within me:

Yi: We booked the wrong accommodation! How did we not check this, we always check this! Check-in is tomorrow! Having to share a bathroom during the retreat already stressed me out…

Ru: (silent, cries in shutdown)

Yi: Why are we crying over this, this is silly, it’s just a bathroom! (withdraws in self-rejection)

A fellow retreatant noticed my distress and helped me find another accommodation, all within budget, and keeping to the planned schedule and location.

Right after, the facilitator prompted us to imagine our future self. Once again, I see myself, and notice that this version of myself seems to have embraced who I am.

Ruyi: How… how do you accept yourself?

Anchor-Ruyi: Here's your new heart of self-acceptance.

During the group sharing, the others offered this insight: Just like the way you delight in flowers, God delights in you. No matter the darkness that tries to stop you from accepting yourself — that darkness is as light to God.

And that was how Ruyi realised that God's theme for her trip was "Accept yourself, you are the Flower (in whom I delight)".

God was bringing her back to the fundamentals of the first relationship mankind has, of themselves with Him.

As the days went on, I began to feel a small shift. It was the 18th day. I went on a hike to try to be in connection with God. It proved difficult until I imagined having tea with Jesus in a flower café.

Ru: Did you have a good rest? I tried to be more present!

Yi: Yeah, it was good not having to live in the future constantly. Did you have fun?

Ru: Yeah! Jesus was there too, hiking in sandals. (to Jesus) I don't know how You do it...

Ruyi: (to Jesus) Do You remember? Yesterday back at the UNESCO site garden, I asked if I could be my healed self when I'm back in Singapore? Even when I'm around others again?

Jesus: I recall I said, “Yes”.

Ruyi: I thought you did, but I wasn't sure, and asked to see the small birds closely as confirmation.

Jesus: Did you like the one I sent?

Ruyi: Of course! It flew right above me and also hopped around the tree near me. That was precious.

Jesus: Remember that you are precious.

Ru: I want to see a swan and its cygnets too!

Yi: You saw a duck and ducklings!

(Jesus just smiles)

My two sides did still clash on occasion, with Yi becoming impatient with Ru when she was scatterbrained and careless. But the self-talk became more gentle and affirming. Ru appreciated the order and persistence Yi offered, and Yi learned to soften and relax.

On the 48th day, I took an impromptu overnight trip to a remote island, Gapado. Ru won the argument by trying to assure Yi that everything will be OK, even at such a last minute. Naturally, things did not go smoothly.

Thankfully, I found a minimart which, though closed, finally opened to my persistent knocks and I was able to get some supplies. While the adventuresome, reckless side of me thrived on this, the organised side of me was headed for a breakdown.

Finally, I sat at a beach and quietened down.

Ru: Look, isn't everything so cool!

Yi: No, what is this? we just do not run off on an impromptu trip like this. This was not supposed to happen. (breaking down)

Jesus: You know I'm going to take care of you, right?

Yi: (turns to Jesus) Not when we do stupid things like this! I just want to go home!

Jesus: (hugs) You are home, with Me.

(Ruyi cries)

Yi: (sniffs) Fine…

As I stared into the distance, I wondered aloud if I may be able to see the Hallasan mountain on the mainland? It was cloudy and I had just sat down.

After a while, I got up and walked over to take a photo of a monument, and noticed that Hallasan mountain was visible! Further along my hike, I bumped into some new friends. With their hospitality, I enjoyed a spectacular sunset, saw the moon, had dinner, and the next day, witnessed an amazing sunrise and sky clouds.

***

Towards the end of the trip, I had this conversation with God.

Jesus: So, what have you learned about each other?

Ru: Yi anticipates the problems.

Yi: And Ru brings the creative solutions… albeit chaotically.

Ru: Heh heh, I also have lots of ideas!

Yi: Yeah, and I bring them to life with research and structure (smiles)

Jesus: And I hold and bring everything together: weather, people, you, and all.

Hallasan mountain at sunrise viewed from Gapado Island.

***

I wrote this reflection on Day 52, on my flight back. I wish I can wrap this up nicely by saying that all is healed and that I am returning to Singapore a new person. Alas, before I even left the airport, some old triggers were already bothering me, and I could feel my old self and her usual reactions surfacing.

But as a friend said, "Perhaps the answer is the journey itself". 

God’s love and work in my life is indeed ongoing. I cannot outgrow this first relationship with Jesus, but I need to continually trust and rely on Him.

My name is Ruyi, ‘as you will’, but I realise, so is Amen, ‘as You will’. May I truly learn to enjoy this journey, and be transformed in delighting in being His flower.

He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

And I am convinced that nothing can separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

(Romans 8:32,38-39; 5:8)

Reflection Questions

1. Imagine a place where you and Jesus meet to have conversations. What would that place look like, and what conversations do you want to have with Him?

2. "God delights in you!" What feelings surface when you say that to yourself? How can you make space to see God's everyday delight in you? Talk with God about it.

3. There will inevitably be times you feel like you have barely budged or even regressed in your journey of healing. What gives you back your hope in God then?

Ruyi is currently on a 1-year sabbatical from work, learning to be more integrated and healed by God’s delight in her. She wishes the same for every child, especially those from christian families, and is thus finding her place in Christian Family Ministry.